The best of the best in Oscar fashion

So the Oscars have come and gone and I’m generally happy with it all – overhyped Avatar didn’t win big, Mo’nique kicked ass and, although I’m not a fan, Sandra Bullock made a glorious acceptance speech. In the spirit of all things happy, let me present, in alphabetical order, my Top 10 Best Dressses of the Oscars (TM).

Cameron Diaz dazzles in Armani Prive

What a treat to see Cammie D leaving her house looking like a Grown Ass Woman! So pretty and sophisticated. Yes, we approve.

Carey Mulligan in Prada

While I’m not mad about the shoes, I love this dress. It’s fun and age-appropriate and sparkly and just plain lovely.

Gabourey Sidibe in Marchesa

It’s so tempting to put big girls in shapeless sacks, but this shows the flaw in that logic. The colour, draping, embellishment – all perfect. I hope to see a lot more of the Precious actress in Hollywood. She’s fast become one of my favourite new faces.

Kristen Stewart in Monique Lhullier

Some have said this is a tad too mature for young Miss Kristen, but c’mon, it’s undeniably fantastic. She keeps the hair and make up simple enough, too. Love it!

Nicole Richie in Reem Acra

Damn! I’m a sucker for sparkle and the simplicity of the cut of the caftan dress is Pure Win. What a difference 5 years makes, right? Who woulda thunk we’d be celebrating Miss Richie’s sartorial choices when she was cavorting with Paris?

Rachel McAdams in Elie Saab

Woweee! Watercolours, floaty, prints-that-aren’t-barfworthy, pretty prettiness… Yes, I’m even gibberishing over here. Well played, Rachel!

Sandra Bullock in Marchesa

The golden girl looked glorious in her golden frock. I’m not super crazy about the dress, but the styling is magnificent. She’s here for the hair alone… Ooooh, shiny!

Tina Fey in Michael Kors

Liz Lemon is a bombshell, ya’ll! Love the old school silhouette, the colour, the sparkliness. Tina Fey brings it!

Vera Farmiga in Marchesa

Ok, I was Up in the Air about this (har har, pun, geddit?!), but just before I was going to add her to my ‘Worst worsts’ list, I had a change of heart. Marchesa’s known for that one structural OTT gown and this year Vera wore it. What changed my mind? The colour, boldness and the ruffles. It just screams: ‘walk, walk, fashion baby’ without being insanocrazy.

Victoria Beckham wearing her own design

I have a love/ love relationship with VB and she really can do no wrong in my eyes. Besides, how many red carpet strutters are wearing their own designs? This is just super chic, elegant and, if I won the Lotto, I’d be ordering one for my damn self.

The worst of the worst in Oscar fashion

And now for the worst of the worst in Oscar fashion. I’m going to try to present this with as little commentary as is humanly possible, for fear of having an aneurysm. For reals.

Charlize Theron in Dior

Dear Charlize,
To me, you’re probably the Most Beautiful Actress in Hollywood today. You always look flawless on the red carpet. But rose boobs? Really? Let’s not make this ‘happen’.
Dankie,
Janine.

Diane Kruger in Chanel

Too much happening here. Do. Not. Like.

Hilary Swank in Armani Prive

We know you have an insane body, Hils, but you don’t need to take every opportunity to show it off.

Jennifer Lopez in Armani Prive

JLo, honey, this looks like bubble wrap. Unflattering bubble wrap, at that.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dries van Noten

I know ‘Quirky’ is your thing, Maggie, but Hawaiian shirts are for tacky beach-goers.

Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel

No.

Zoe Saldana in Givenchy

Also known as: When hideous-gross-disgusting-too busy-rah rah dresses happen to beautiful people. Oy.

Fence-sitting Oscar Fashion

There are some things that one just can’t make up ones mind about. Lemon meringue or lemon cheesecake? Chocolate or chocolate cake? One of those things: whether a few dresses from this year’s Academy Awards red carpet were Michael Jackson bad or Bafana Bafana bad.

Anna Kendrick in Elie Saab

I like Anna Kendrick. She seems like a cool chick. She certainly embraced glamour unlike many other young actresses. But something’s just, well, off about this. I’m going with the paleness of her skin and the nude colour. I appreciate that pale is the new tan, but throw some colour in somewhere! Asse-please!

Demi Moore in Atelier Versace

Demi looks soooo good. She puts my twentysomethingness to absolute shame. She’s radiant, happy (-looking) and that certainly is a statement dress. Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to lurve it. It veers much to close to Barbie-esque for my liking.

Kate Winslet in Yves Saint Laurent

Kate, Kate, Kate. I love you with the intensity of the flames of a thousand sons. Or something. I also love this dress. But when the two combine (Kate + this dress), no magic happens for me. With her rocking body, she surely could’ve tried something besides this elegant silver column. This would’ve worked on someone older, methinks. Also, please go back to red hair.

Miley Cyrus in Atelier Versace

Miley! Bathong! You’re too young for this! Why does your stylist insist on making you look like a 42-year-old divorcee who has found a new lease on life? The dress itself isn’t terrible, I just wish the fit was better and the wearer would stand up straight. Posture! Tsk tsk tsk…

Penelope Cruz in Donna Karan

First I LURVED this dress, then I despised it. Now I’m sort of ‘meh’ about it. The colour is divine, but I wish someone had thrown a smoky eye and some bronzer on her face. We’ve seen Pe look muuuccchhh better.